When it comes to relationships, it is important to remember that emotional intimacy is a key aspect of a healthy and happy relationship. Relationships don’t come easy. Relationships are first and foremost a work in progress. The main task is to create, build and maintain each other.
Each person chooses their partner responsibly. You always have the choice: Either you accept your partner as he or she is, with all his or her shortcomings, with all the things that annoy him or her, or you work on the relationship together. This is, of course, difficult. Sometimes it is impossible. I see this problem acutely in many couples as a psychotherapist.
Of course, the relationship process can be difficult and require some effort, but if both are willing to fight for it, a lot can be achieved. Working together on a relationship should be based on mutual respect, support, and understanding. It should be a two-way street. Both partners need to contribute to building a strong and healthy relationship.
In some cases, if one partner is unwilling to change their behavior, working on the relationship together may be pointless. In such a situation, a consultation with a psychotherapist can help to make sense of the situation. It can also help you to understand what steps need to be taken.
But before you go to a specialist, it makes sense to ask yourself what you can do to harmonize the situation. First of all, there has to be an acceptance of your partner’s differences. The more we try to change, control, resist, or conquer, the more they remain as they are. Most problems in a relationship start when a man or a woman feels indifferent towards their partner. When there is the thought that they are not interested in the other person. This is the turning point when the relationship is no longer the same.
The postulate of acceptance can come to the rescue at this point. As children and adults, we always need acceptance. Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted by their partner, with all their values and principles. Once you are aware of this, you need to find out: What irritates me about my partner, what am I resisting? Once the motives are in place, imagine that you are accepting that part of your partner, or that you are accepting your partner completely as he is. Have a dialogue with yourself, and write a question on a piece of paper: am I willing to spend my time with a person who knows what bothers me and doesn’t change? The answers you get will help you to re-evaluate.
The alternative is to work on the relationship together when both partners are attentive to each other. One of my recommendations: make time for love, it’s a bonding experience, and intimacy is always a good thing. First of all, it’s good for your health. Medicine has proven that intimacy is an excellent prevention against cancer, endocrine and neurological diseases.
A list of the causes of cardiovascular and neurological diseases was discussed at a medical forum in New York just this autumn. That’s why couples therapy is so important. The structure is important. After all, all of us as adults lump everything together into a common denominator of underlying childhood traumas, and we get hung up on ourselves in our relationships. And then we pay too dearly with our broken emotions for a moment of intimacy.
I’m going to share with you a different technique – a contract of love with yourself. Time rushes on. Life is a blissful stretch of time given by the heavens to everyone. To each his own. Nowadays people are becoming more and more self-centered. There is a total revaluation of the self.
Stop for a moment. Think. This is your life. Give yourself love! Make a contract with yourself. The goal is to fall in love with yourself! Examine and explore your emotions. Immerse yourself in them. This will be the beginning of the healing process, the building of a foundation of love.
Five steps on the way to a conscious relationship, to self-love, to the love of your partner:
Are you breathing short and shallow or deep and long? The deeper your breathing, the calmer your nervous system.
Get into the habit of celebrating even the smallest of moments. Mark them on your calendar or Google Alarm Diary with a bright felt tip pen.
Every moment of your life is a cause for celebration. The hardest part will be dealing with the unwanted negative flow. When you notice negative thoughts sneaking up on you, try to focus on something more positive. For example: “I can’t do it” becomes “I’ll come back to it later, the important thing is that it’s not critical overall”.
Spend time unplugging. Set aside time to be with yourself and think.
- Be one with nature.
A well-known tip is: Walk barefoot on the ground. Open air, trees, soil.
Write down the moments that trigger your emotions. Put them on paper, deal with your feelings, and only then turn to your partner to talk. Imagine the freedom that comes from putting heavy thoughts and words on paper. This creates space for new thoughts.
You are empowered to enjoy yourself and to enjoy what you live. Acceptance, self-awareness, ownership, empathy, and presence-these components and skills support your ability to stay connected to your partner, especially as you learn to be with what seems unbearable. It’s like an implied promise of a conscious relationship.
There are many pleasurable moments that can help to strengthen a relationship that may be on the rocks: a trip together, an activity, or a hobby you do together. Those are a few recipes to help you stay in a relationship with your partner and to feel the fullness and joy of being together.
Text by Dr. Esther Vavilonskaya, Psychologist
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